I stand in a small group of religious leaders at a training meeting for my new position. I feel like a fraud. The group comprises local leaders, so we all know each other or at least have a working association or business acquaintance.
The conversation is taking place during a break, and the small circle formed around one of the more prominent members of our community. The individual is a successful business leader and family man, having raised five children who followed in his footsteps with successful careers and marriages.
My uncomfortable feelings arise from my family situation, and although I would consider my marriage successful, I'm still struggling to build a career, and our oldest daughter has floundered with life. I know she is lying, skipping classes, stealing, doing drugs, and has run away from home multiple times. She is thirteen years old. (1)
The group's perfect Dad is talking about the wedding of his last daughter; like all parents, pride shows in his eyes as he brags about his offspring. I was just about to turn away from the group (and hide) when the leader of the training session (standing with his back to us but listening) turned and wrapped his arm around this successful brother and, addressing the rest of the group, said, "that's because God didn't trust him with any of the tough ones," and walked away. (2)
That evening, for the first time, I truly felt that no one else could be the father I could be for my wayward daughter, (3) and I promised myself I would do everything in my power, leave no stone unturned to help her be happy.
It didn't work, at least not how I expected. Besides a short visit two years ago, my daughter has not spoken to me in twenty-plus years. However, I feel at peace. Why? Because I fulfilled the promise I made to myself that long ago evening to do everything I could to help her achieve a happy life. I did. She chose not to accept my help and, therefore, released me of my guilt. I miss her, but her choices are hers.
All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience.
"All these things shall give thee experience," (4) and these experiences shape how I view life cascading in a never-ending kaleidoscope of colors. It ends only when I terminate learning, reading, and exposing myself to new experiences. In a word, dead.
As I move through the world daily, I gather millions of experiences, collecting memories of my own or shared understandings by reading stories, organizing ideas, or having someone teach me. The combination is unique to me. (5)
Gerardo Patriotta, an organizational theorist, holds that "our universe is preinterpreted." In other words, we only see what our current stock of interpretations allows us to see, (6) or perhaps a romantic would say, "Every beauty to which you respond must have its corresponding outline in your brain before you can appreciate it." (7) Regardless of how it's said, our perception adjusts to what we experience. Through this lens, our brain filters information in everything we do.
What You Alone Can Contribute, No One Else Can.
We "see" the world through the lens of our experiences, not a visual sight but a more profound sense of perceiving, understanding, and interpreting. (8) However, we must be mindful of the dents, scratches, or skewed viewings our lens provides, sometimes in profound ways. Being mindful allows us to buff, polish, and wear corrective lenses if needed.
No one else can be the father or husband you can be to your family; if necessary, corrective lenses can break abusive cycles, allowing peace. Through education, no one but you can utilize your experiences to be the type of doctor, teacher, and community leader you can be. (9)
Who I am
Who I am, then, should comprehend that I am unique. Not in the sense that we are all unique together, but truly unique in how I perceive the world. Knowing that no one else can contribute the same combination of patience, humor, or resolve that I can deliver. And believe me, I have my unique mixture of tenacity, gratefulness, and compassion as well. (10)
Knowing that I can contribute to the world at large, it benefits me to make sure the qualities within me are worth sharing.
Written September 15, 2023
Editorial assistance by Grammarly.
Footnotes and References
1. 1997’ish. p.s. I have three other wonderful children who are happy and a joy to be around.
2 I present this story in the first person for artistic composition. The story was told to me by a counselor for the reasons indicated. The counselor had experienced the narrative firsthand.
3 Covey, S. R., & Merrill, A. R. (1993). "First things first." New York, NY: Simon & Schuster. p.110.
4 Maxwell, Neal A. "All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience." Deseret Book, 1980.
5 Levy, M. (2011). Accidental genius: Using writing to generate your best ideas, insights, and content. San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler. Location 2307.
6 Weick, Karl E., and Kathleen M. Sutcliffe. Managing the Unexpected: Resilient Performance in an Age of Uncertainty. Second ed., Jossey-Bass, 2007. p.57.
7 Haanel, Charles F. "The Master Key System: Complete with Haanel's Question and Answers After Each Chapter." Kindle Edition. Location 1044.
8 Covey, Stephen R. "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People." Franklin Covey, 1998. p.23.
9 Ibid (Covey, 1993)
10 Ryan, M. J. (2006). "This year I will: how to finally change a habit, keep a resolution, or make a dream come true." New York: Broadway Books. Location 222.